What’s in a name?

You may find yourself asking this question. Let me offer you one answer: strength. When I think of courage and power in a child, I think of Belle Bradley. This amazing baby girl is fighting for her remission from Leukemia and she is kicking its tail. It’s no wonder she’s such a fighter as strong woman mom, Melissa, has certainly passed on those genes to her! This weekend, I ask you to join the Rhody Bloggers in a fundraiser for Miss Belle.

I wrote about what I’m running for this year, and this weekend what I’ll be sitting for in THIS post… I ask you: Join me. For starters our weekend will have an amazing raffle. Not amazing, blah… amazing like Red Sox tickets, wine, autographed books, appliances and MORE!

Photo from: Rhody Bloggers for Good

There will also be awesome brownies I baked and wrapped individually with love and care- using all of my Servsafe training and ALL of this:

While I hope to see you there, if you’re a reader from afar or simply cannot make the time (totally understandable!), I ask- could you please visit, share, and/or donate to THIS page? Let’s help make the focus 100% Belle’s recovery, and not the incredibly costliness of the cure.

Thank you.

AND LOCAL FRIENDS: I will be running a 5k with TnT for LLS on May 11th! We make posters for what’s called the Mission Mile. I will be making my poster to honor Belle. If you would like to join in, please contact me so I can get you poster board OR leave a comment here with what you would like me to put on my poster for her- a quote, a picture… anything!

Thank you for all of your love and support for Belle.

Moving on…

How did you choose what to do after high school? Did anyone provide valuable advice which influenced your decision?

This is the next prompt from Carla at AllofMeNow, who is running the Mom Before Mom series that I’ve been writing each weekend. I LOVE these pieces- initially because they allowed me the time to reflect, but now because they give me the right to feel things I didn’t get a chance to as a child.

I had always known that I would go to college. I dreamt of becoming a flight attendant, and then of being a doctor. The doctor thing stuck with me for a while. I was going to cure cancer. My cousin had died at 18 of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and I was going to stop it from ever happening again.

Then my Dad died. April 21, 1998 I had more than just bad dreams to battle, I had the dreams of a child crushed under the weight of fluid filled lungs and a 6’1″ man residing in a cold bed, now housing a 140 pound body. It sounds graphic. It might have been. Regardless, he was gone and I could never face my dreams again.

So… I did what lots of girls do- I tried to find my Dad. I didn’t go around to boys looking for them to be daddy, I dated boys who had strong dads who would protect me and love me as their own. They helped shape me into the woman I became- some offering advice on how to throw a punch, some telling me tales of how to write a good cover letter. It was all encompassing of my father, who would have shown me and told me how to do everything from reducing the swelling on a bruised knee, to building my own computer and how to french-braid my own hair.

You’re wondering how this has anything to do with my post-high school life? Let’s call him Mer. Mer and I had a relationship- he’d graduated from a college in Rhode Island earlier in the year we’d met, that I later graduated from as well. Prior to my application, acceptance, scholarship, over-achievement and early commencement, I was lost. My whole life I was going to cure cancer, but as I moved into my later teen years, I learned to accept the fact that I had no ability to separate myself from feeling. Six years of schooling, grueling nights working on a cadaver, no sleep, little money, insurance risks- all this meant nothing. What stopped me from accepting the obligation I’d laid upon myself 5 years prior to my high school graduation- to cure cancer- was the fact that I could not tell a child they were going to lose their parent.

So, as I held onto my high school job of working in a kitchen and found I loved planning events (I’d even been so blessed as to need to color code and list most aspects of my life), and Mer told me all about Johnson & Wales University, I knew I had my next step planned. Done and done.

It sounds so silly… how I got there, what it meant. I’ve done very little with my degree since 2008- I graduated in 2006. I learned a lot about the non-profit sector, and that’s been helpful… but I was meant to change things. Big things. I wasn’t just meant to plan weddings… which, by the way, I love! I have a wedding coming up in September, and I am SO glad to be back in the saddle (two weddings in two years can make a planner want more more more), but beyond that… I have a larger goal, a longer stride, a destiny to make a difference.

I’ve awoken in a cold sweat more than once, swearing that I was 13 again standing at the side of my father’s bed rattling off a litany of medications and therapies, transfusions and a test for… but I wake up. Before I can hear myself breathing as though I’ve just run a marathon, there is a high-pitched beep in my ear signifying a flat line. They’re all dead. My cousin, my Dad. Thousands of patients I didn’t save.

It sounds morbid, but perhaps it’s what led me to now. If I had gone to med school, I would have been confined to a lab, spending years of my life fighting to cure something I truly believe the pharmaceutical companies don’t want to cure (this is a whole other topic about conspiracy that I firmly believe in). I wish I could know my cousin now- she would be 34… I wish my Dad had walked me down the aisle at my wedding… but who would I have married? Where would I have graduated from? Forget college… I never would have gone to Upper Moreland. I would have been a Spring Side-er. I would have been a normal kid, whatever that means. I would not have met Dave and we never would have had Addie.

Because it’s Sunday, I’ll say it: I chose what to do after high school because I believe God has a plan. Is it the God hanging, bloody on the wooden cross in my Catholic church? Maybe not. Maybe it’s really the Messiah and we’re still waiting, maybe it’s just the idea that something besides our selfish souls and a boy named Mer controls where we end up.

There is a path, and it led me here. To Dave, to Addie, to writing.

Using my Feet

Is anyone else having a hard time focusing? It’s hot, it’s cold, it’s warm and rainy or sunny and snowing. What is happening?! Beyond the weather driving my headaches to the breaking point and my dog to chase his tail- I am ready to battle the out of doors: FEET FIRST!

This Spring I was certain I would have a few half-marathons lined up… alas, they are both expensive and time consuming and with my milk supply already dwindling with each extra mile I push myself, I can’t risk too much training at the sake of my darling Adelaide. And so… I have banded together with some awesome people to run, walk and sit for some things that are close to my heart- literally.

The two events I have coming up mean more to me than most would understand. I speak of my father often; a man dying too young, leaving his wife and four children far too soon. I like to imagine him coaching my little brother in ice hockey up there in the big blue sky, instead of deep in the ground. What I hate to imagine more, is Addie losing her Daddy to cancer, as I lost mine. That is a story which I’m sure I will tell time and time again, as April 21^st passes every year- no matter how hard I will myself to sleep through it. What you might not know, is that my cousin Allyson will be 18 forever. After a battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, she lost her life at Bowman Gray Hospital in North Carolina. That was 17 years ago. There are stories that have been told about the events after her death. How hard it was for my aunt to lose her only child, and right after her high school graduation. How everyone felt so alone- lost in their own thoughts and afraid to ask those around us if they were OK. None of us felt OK. Sometimes, we still don’t. There is much to be told about the loss of a child, but not much you want to say. We will always love you, Allyson. You and Jonathan are my guardian angels.

My baby brother and my cousin, Allyson

Fast forward a few years from tragedy. My Mom was reinventing herself. She’s always been amazing, but now she was ready to take it to a whole other level. She was ready to be a runner. She signed up with Team in Training in Philadelphia and did 26.2 miles (a full marathon!) in Disney in 2001. Yeah, she’s amazing and inspiring. So inspiring that when I saw a TnT mailer on my dining room table in 2010, I immediately checked off the box that coincided with the informational meeting I was able to attend. Hearing the past participants talk and meeting the coaching staff was amazing. Coaches I would get as a bonus for running!? Yes please! I had already run my first half- a pitiful display in Philly’s ING Rock ‘n Roll.

Worth-women running!

It was hot and I was fresh off cigarettes… and it showed. That was September 2010. I wanted my next display to be amazing! So in May of 2011 I ran the Cox Half Marathon with my new teammates. I loved every mile! I knew I would sign up for more.

The next Team event I ran was the inaugural ING Rock ‘n Roll Half Marathon in Providence. In August. Being what Rhode Island is (Hell), the weather was terrible, but it truly reflected my spirits. I had just had a miscarriage and was still feeling pretty terrible emotionally. I had not trained since the morning of July 22^, 2011 when I woke up and I wasn’t part of that longed for group of expectant moms anymore. Those weeks I had sat there, waiting for my doctor to call and tell me that there was a mistake, were just weeks I was not training. I laced up two days before the race for a short run and I was badly winded. None-the-less, I gathered up what was left of me, and put on my purple shirt for the race.

My favorite part of Team in Training is the camaraderie. There are people EVERYWHERE that yell “GO TEAM!” as you run past. You know what? They’re cheering for you! I love this sport, but more than anything, I love taking part in it as a member of TnT.

As I ran the umpteenth hill Providence threw at me, I came up on another purple shirt. He was not someone I had trained with. Chris was from another group, but he was one of my kind! We met up with each other as the hill seemed to gather all it had to keep us stationary. Suddenly, back and forth, we began to encourage each other. We made it to the plateau, and we ran the rest of the way together. Chris’ mom (insanely beautiful from her pictures and one of the most special women I’ve ever heard about) had recently passed from cancer. Chris was running for her. He was going to finish this race because he had to. We all have to do what we have to do to make it through what life hands us. I felt like I was losing my grip on happiness, so I ran. Chris had lost the most amazing woman most men ever know, so he ran. And us? We ran together. We ran though shallow breaths, each gasping for air we thought might not come. Yelling out encouragement as we passed the mile markers, we would tell the other to go ahead, but neither one budged from the other person’s side. We chose to tell each other stories of our loved ones past, and I told him I’d recently lost a pregnancy. A total stranger, Chris looked at me with his big brown eyes like he was trying to take some of the pain away for me. Running in purple led me to meet a friend I will always cherish. He may be a New Yorker and like the Rangers (lame), but this Flyers’ fan still thinks the world of him.

And that leads me to my first race post-baby: Cox 5k. How does one go from 13.1 miles to 3.1? They have a baby and take a year off. That being said, I am SO happy to be back in my purple shirt! As with every season, there is an honored patient. I am proud to run for them, but I choose to honor my own hero. She goes by the name of Belle. Please read about her HERE. I immediately broke in two when I heard she was the daughter of a fellow blogging mama right here in my (now) home state. I knew I had to lace up again to try and fight this battle to win this war- to find a cure for leukemia. And so, I will be running my 5k on May 11, 2013. I have a fundraising page HERE, but I’ve already met my goal. While I encourage everyone to keep donating- everything over the goal is just a bonus for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) and runners like me love over-accomplishing our goals, but I’d also like you to consider making a donation directly to Belle and her family HERE.

This past weekend I had the honor of meeting Belle. She was the first to greet me at the door of another friend’s birthday. Her beautiful face is what struck me. Hiding behind her full cheeks was a smile that swept across her face as she ran to her equally stunning mom, Melissa. At this event I got to talk with Melissa, who is both mentally and physically strong. Sometimes we say someone is strong because there isn’t a better adjective to describe their character. In this case, this woman is breathtakingly strong. Her ability to keep calm and positive, even on the bad days encourages me to tie my darn sneakers, plug  in the treadmill and spend nap time running- I can always shower later. Belle needs me to run, now.

For the next few years of Belle’s life, she will fight the ultimate war within her own body. I ask you to help me however you feel comfortable, to donate what you can to help this cause. Donate, blog about, share on social media sites. What can you do to help? Team in Training, Sit-a-Thon or check out this event the Rhody Bloggers For Good are hosting:

Lastly, my amazing blogging ladies (myself included) will be walking for the American Heart Association. So many of us women don’t remember  our tickers, and often, we are the ones who have undiagnosed heart conditions. Our team is HERE. I am so excited to participate in this event! This is our mission:

Imagine the impact if we reduce death and disability from cardiovascular diseases and stroke by 20% by 2020! Our team is joining the American Heart Association’s Heart Walk to promote physical activity to build healthier lives, free of cardiovascular diseases and stroke. Please Join Our Team! Help us reach this lifesaving goal!

Thank you for joining me in my Spring of He(alth)(lping Others)! My plate is full, but I am so thankful for each bite. Or in this case, step!